Ian Douglas Smith ....UDI ... Hero or Villain

Ian Smith … UDI Anniversary … was Smith a hero or villain?

November the 11th is the 50th anniversary of Ian Smith’s infamous Unilateral Declaration of Independence ("UDI").

The majority of Whites in then Rhodesia supported this audacious bid. The vast majority of Blacks, Coloureds and Indians did not.

The absolutely predictable subsequent failure of UDI and calm reflection over the last 50 years should have induced a general consensus among Rhodesians/Zimbabweans that, at least with the benefit of hindsight, UDI was no more, no less, an act of irresponsible folly, guaranteed to fail that cost the lives of thousands, causing human misery on a pandemic scale that is with us to this very day.

Alas that is not the case, with a huge chunk of mainly White ex Rhodesians who not only lament the failure of UDI but also postulate Smith's Rhodesia as having been a world beating haven for humanity and Smith as one of the greatest heroes of the modern age.  In addition Ian Smith penned two books in which he proffers much justification for the adoration that he is accorded by some.

So what is the truth about Ian Douglas Smith??  There is this quote "veritas oratio simplex est", i.e., the truth is ever simple. Sometimes truth is not simple. Fortunately, as regards Smith, it actually could not be simpler as I will set out in unarguable synopsis format.

Please note that I do not write as an "academic".  I was there, at every step of these events. This ended with a conversation I had with Smith at the Harare Show, in about 1987, where he correctly predicted that the Mugabe government would ruin the country completely as "these commie chaps love no one but themselves". .

1.  Smith's Rhodesia was great?

This is the first claim made by his fans. Romantic nostalgia about Rhodesia on social media is now pathological. All the "good" that Rhodesia had is attributed to Smith.

The simple reality, however, is that Rhodesia's greatness, (ignoring its systemic oppression) being its outstanding development, resource and infrastructure management, had virtually nothing to do with Smith. The country had been developed by his predecessors and he actually did nothing but plunge it into an unwinnable war that ensured that it started to slide into the mess that it is in today.

It all started with him being warned that the country would be sanctioned if he declared UDI. He declared UDI and it was sanctioned. The effects were devastating.  You were king if you had a packet of Smarties and cigarette lighters had to be refilled manually, just for a start.

The fantastic progress that the country had hitherto enjoyed under his predecessors was stopped in its tracks, never to recover.

2.  Smith had no option but UDI?

Smith's Rhodesian Front government was the legal government of the colony and constitutionally guaranteed non-interference by Great Britain. Indeed Britain had never interfered and was not threatening to do so.

So Smith could have pursued his professed agenda of stopping “communist rule” without rendering his government illegal if, of course, that agenda was honourable or underpinned by good faith that is.

The direct consequences of UDI were:-

a) His government immediately lost all legitimacy.

b) It conferred a right on Britain to intervene.

c) It conferred a right and duty on every citizen to take steps, including force, to remove Smith, his government and his support base.

d) It instantly converted all insurgents and otherwise treasonous agents into freedom fighters.

e) It divested Britain and all other countries, as signatories to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights ("UDHR), from any capacity to assist his government whosoever the enemy.

f) It conferred a duty on all countries, as signatories to the UDHR, to take measures to remove his government.

As will be seen below it was quite unnecessary for Smith to declare UDI if his intentions were genuine. By declaring UDI he instantly converted a very good country into a pariah State. Why?

3. What powers did the Smith Government not have before UDI that it needed to get by UDI?

This one is critical.  In 1923 the Rhodesia was granted "full self-government" status with only ONE reservation. That reservation was that it could not pass laws that affected Africans without British government consent.

That was the only reservation.

In all other respects the Rhodesian government had all the powers that any government on the planet had.

So it is an obvious deduction that the only other power that UDI could have conferred on the Smith government was the freedom to enact laws that affected the African majority. Period!!

Note that not only had the British government NOT ever interfered, it had actually been complicit in permitting the passing of oppressive legislation such as the Land Apportionment Act.

But, as we shall see 1948 brought a paradigm change to all that.

4. The reason for UDI?

But this (3 above) is NOT what the White electorate was told. Even to this day just about all of them are unaware of this fundamental truth and reality, i.e. 3 above.

What they were told was that a successful UDI was needed to prevent a Communist inspired takeover of Rhodesia with the resultant loss of their British/Rhodesian roots, heritage and way of life.

The World was indeed in the throes of what was known as the 'Cold War' and Smith extracted maximum political mileage out of this.

The dreadful reality was that his UDI actually embarrassed the West, in this cold war, and conferred an absolute right on the Communist bloc to take advantage of the situation, which it did with understandable enthusiasm.

Had he not declared UDI Britain, in particular, would have had no option but to prevent Communist intrusion into the domestic affairs of the country.  Symptomatic of this was that, in 1962, I was trained by British army officers at Llewellyn Barracks.

5. Smith's real agenda?

He more or less made this all too clear, i.e., to prevent majority rule in his lifetime. Of course he justified this on the basis that the majority was Communist inspired, because the Communist bloc had started arming the then sprinkling of African insurgents.

“Let me say it again. I don't believe in black majority rule ever in Rhodesia—not in a thousand years. I repeat that I believe in blacks and whites working together. If one day it is white and the next day it is black, I believe we have failed and it will be a disaster for Rhodesia.” Per WikiQuote

Smith had won the election of November 1962 on an election platform that was predicated on the notion that the then United Federal Party's road map to majority rule, called "Partnership", was a Communist inspired "sell out" strategy to deliver the country to incompetent African Communists. His was the equivalent of South Africa's "swaart gevaar" i.e. the Blacks will get your house, job and daughter. 

It was understandable that the White electorate were susceptible to this, given the then failures of some African governments in Africa and the aggression of the Communist bloc.

The reality was that the previous UFP had been on a road map to competent majority rule in continual negotiations with the then father of Black nationalism, Joshua Mqabuko Nkomo, in particular,  who was about as "Communist" as George Bush.

In terms of the UFP's road map non-Whites, like myself, were recruited into the Civil Service, sent on "Adventure into Citizenship" programs so as to ensure competence and race/ethnic unity in the advent of majority rule.

The only tension between the UFP government, Joshua Nkomo (leader of ZAPU) and Ndabaningi Sithole (leader of ZANU) was the pace of this change.

Smith stopped all that and no Blacks were recruited to meaningful posts in the Civil Service for over 10 years thereafter.  That is how, in 1973, I became the first and ONLY non-White judicial officer.

6. The problem with his agenda?

There could not have been a more fundamental and resolutive problem with his agenda.

In 1948 the whole world had signed off on the UDHR, after two (2) bloody world wars and the Holocaust.

There was simply no basis on which the World could now tolerate minority rule.  Such rule violates any number of sacred Articles of the UDHR. The UDHR, in effect, guaranteed the end of all colonialist and minority governments and Harold Macmillan told the South African Parliament as much in his famous "winds of change" speech of 1960.

It was for this reason that, on 12 June 1962, the United Nations passed a resolution that Southern Rhodesia constituted a "Non-Self-Governing-Territory under Chapter XI of its Charter".   Ironically it was the diabolical machinations of Adolph Hitler that induced the world to abandon the hitherto "might is right" culture that had subsisted from time immemorial and had driven colonialism.

It is important to realize that this finding by the UN, in effect, precluded any country from recognizing a minority government in Rhodesia even if the British government had granted this to the Smith government.

It is also pertinent to point out that Ian Smith had actually fought in the heroic Battle of Britain to ensure that his own homeland of Great Britain was not subject to minority rule by Germany occupation. In the circumstances Smith's gross irresponsibility and foolishness could not be more stark.

It was therefore not at all surprising that the very day after UDI the Security Council of the United Nations felt compelled to pass a resolution calling on all States not to recognize or provide any assistance to Smith's "racist minority regime". The UN really had no option.

That was its perfectly predictable duty, and all sentient humans should have realized this at the time and certainly by now.

7. Was Smith a racist?

Obviously the rest of the world regarded Smith and his regime as racist because of his obsession with minority rule.

However the real question is this -- was Smith personally possessed of a deep seated ingrained racist culture and ethos?

I have been astounded at how just about everybody has missed this fundamental issue about Smith. "The proof is in the pudding" as they say and the proof emerged with blinding clarity when he got Minister Mark Partridge to table a Bill titled the Residential Owners (Property) Protection Bill, ("POP Bill") and/or Residential Owners (Property Protection" Bill 1967. This was augmented by the Municipal Amendment Act.

These were his versions of then South Africa's infamous Group areas Act that guaranteed the separation of humans on race and ethnic lines because non -Whites were considered as inferior and de facto contaminants in semi human form.

Nothing could have been more racist.

What stopped Ian Smith in his tracks was that the Jewish Community joined hands with the Coloured

Community at the most successful event staged at the Arcadia Coloured Community Center and gave Smith notice that this racism would be fought "tooth and nail Given that his regime was already under pressure on all other fronts, Smith dared not lose the support of the powerful Jewish Community, especially as many in his camp imagined that ever beleaguered Israel would eventually come on side. The Portuguese, Chinese and Greek Communities also lent support in large measure despite the efforts of Kiki Divaris who came out all guns blazing in support of this racist legislation. This good lady later became a darling and patron of the tyrannical Mugabe regime.

Res ipsa loquitur (the facts speak for themselves) … Smith was a racist at heart. No question whatsoever!!

So it is obvious that his agenda and UDI had everything to do with ridding himself of the British veto on racist legislation and little to do with "preserving civilization and preventing a Communist takeover" for the very simple reason that he did NOT need UDI in order to fight on these fronts.

8. How did Smith manage to fool so many till this very day?

a)  Firstly the White electorate were very susceptible to being fooled because of the unhappy situations as regards some other African governed countries.

b)  Secondly the reality was that there was actually a cold War in progress and the Communist bloc were supporting "freedom struggles" in pursuance of spreading its influence globally. Smith exploited this with a passion.

c)  Thirdly Smith used the tried and tested "mushroom techniques; where you keep them in the dark and feed them on sh*t".  To this end he introduced censorship of the news media and this was carried out ruthlessly. In the result it soon became normal for the newspapers to appear with blank white spaces representing the handiwork of Smith's censors who were actually installed full time in these media houses.

The idea here was to feed the electorate the story line that there were just a few Communist inspired insurgents indulging in "terrorist incursions", not supported by the Black majority, and who would soon be knocked over.

I can never forget the cognitive dissonance that set in when members of the Judiciary were flown to the "sharp end" at Mt Darwin and briefed by Lieutenant-Colonel Derry MacIntyre who informed us in chilling detail, that the country was actually involved in an unwinnable war (for both sides), not simple "terrorist incursions" and that he respected ZANLA Commander Josiah Tongogara as a masterful tactician.

Smith's Rhodesian propaganda machine was very, very good at the business of political spin, propaganda, artful half-truths and plain bull crap. And of course, the more White troops and farmers that were killed the more psychologically entrapped the White electorate became.

d) Fourthly Smith was quite ruthless about suppressing dissension. The previous Prime Minister Sir Garfield 

Todd and his family were routinely persecuted “restricted and detained" so as to shut them up. This is well documented in Judy Todd's great book "Through the Darkness".  Restriction and detention was legalized under "state of emergency laws" and many sentient voices of protest and truth were silenced thereby.

Sentient voices of the likes of Dr Ahrn Palley and Alan Savory were subject to vicious attack and vilification with the latter more or less being eventually forced into exile.

Humans, such as Herbert Foya Thompson and Frank Berman,  actively involved in political organisations or those suspected of actively supporting the struggle for liberation, but did not commit any prosecutable crime under the Law and Order Maintenance Act, were detained as ‘saboteurs’, ‘agitators’, or ‘provocateurs’. The geographical location of these detention centres was striking because they were all established in remote and inaccessible parts of the country.

The news media was prohibited by law and censorship from reporting on these shenanigans of brazen oppression.

9. So why are there Rhodies who are still so blind to the real Ian Smith??

They have actually kicked me off 5 Rhodie Face Book sites for setting out just some of these FACTS above.

I imagine that the reason is to be found mainly in the cliché that humans never forget those that made them feel good about themselves.

When I visited Germany for the first time I found otherwise very sentient Germans who spoke nostalgically about Adolph Hitler. Both Ian Smith and Hitler made their followers feel very good about themselves.  Ian Smith fired up "White nationalism" in Rhodesia just as Hitler fired up German nationalism.

When this happens an irrational herd mentality kicks in and everyone also gets entrapped by Carl Sagan's bamboozle effect. We see this daily in social media comments as humans betray how firmly they are entrapped by the bamboozle effect be it politics, culture or religion in particular.

Wallowing in the bamboozle recreates the good feeling they once experienced. The brain is paralyzed by romantic nostalgia as endorphins are generated and its capacity to reason inhibited.

10. Smith was right?

Much mileage is made of the fact that the Mugabe government has proved to be a disaster for all, just as Smith predicted.

The harsh reality is that it was Smith’s intransigence that guaranteed the advent of that government.  Of this he was warned ad nauseam by many sentient voices. Mugabe was unknown in 1962, when Smith’s party came to power. Joshua Nkomo and Ndabaningi Sithole were the leading African nationalists. They were about as communist as George Bush.

For me 11 November 1965 was one of the saddest days of my life as I knew, with every neuron in my brain, that no good whatsoever would come of UDI.

What Ian Douglas Smith did was the first step on a disastrous path that plagues us to this very day.
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To read an otherwise credible anlayst get it all wrong  go to -http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2016/06/the_rhodesia_syndrome.html

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The Case of the Coloured Correctional Services Officers.

This case is set to be heard on 17th November 2015 by the Constitutional Court.

The facts are simple enough. Seven Correctional Services Officers, of long service, and who had been passed and recommended for promotion are being denied promotion because they are Coloured. The ANC government employer takes the stance that it is "Blacks" that must be promoted so as to ensure that the numerical dominance that "Blacks" have across the rest of the country is also reflected in the Western Cape. So the Employment Equity Act must be used to ensure that dominance, i.e, Coloureds will be forced to move out and "Blacks" will move in to the Western Cape ... and bingo ......

Because it is packaged as "employment equity" most of South Africa is looking the other way, turning a blind eye to this obscene form of regional ethnic cleansing and cultural appropriation because it affects a minority known as Coloureds.

We acquiesce, connive, collude, condone the situation where the ANC seeks to wrest the Western Cape away from its traditional occupants, so as to deprive them of their ancestral home, drive them out and colonize that region with their Nguni tribal support base.
Here we see the tyranny of the majority being played out with brazen aggression.

In reality the Coloured community has an unarguable case for secession.
As the only descendants and successors of original KhoiSan people who inhabited the Western Cape the Coloured community, with the KhoiSan, has first and only claim to this region.
In that event the ANC would be forced to rely on stinky colonialism to justify retention of this region in the grouping of regions (provinces) now known as South Africa ... having wrested the region from White minority rule on the basis that colonialism could NEVER deprive the original inhabitants of their right to self rule, self determination, peaceful and secure habitation.
The regions, now known as "provinces" are a colonial creation. They did not exist before. So the ANC wants to accept this colonial modelling simply because it confers more land to its Nguni power base, which land they never had any claim to historically.

How more hypocritical can the ANC be???

However this is precisely what the ANC now seeks to deprive the Coloured community of.

It is obscene.
It is immoral.
It is diabolical.
It is illegal in terms of international precepts founded on the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

However the Coloured community, unlike their Rehoboth cousins in Namibia never did contend for secession. They imagined that because of sacred promises made by Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela and our world beating Constituiton they would be allowed to live in peace and harmony on their ancestral land without victimization by others now infused with Black nationalism. But the tyranny of the majority, under the new found flag of Black nationalism seeks to trump Mandela's promises and sacred rights embedded in our Constitution.

The ANC also makes the case that it is "Blacks" that were "previously disadvantaged"  and that it is a constitutional imperative that this be redressed. The contention here is that Coloureds were less disadvantaged than "Blacks".

This may be true as regards the other provinces. However in the Western Cape, Coloureds were disadvantaged from the moment Van Riebeck and gang arrived in that it was their KhoiSan forbears that had their land wrested from them and that thereafter they endured the genocide of their KhoiSan kith and kin over centuries. No Nguni tribes experienced anything approaching this in terms of a victimization test.

The question that now arises is this: -- will our Constitional Court Judges, sworn to uphold that Constitution without fear favour or prejudice, allow the fulfillment of this pernicious ANC agenda and the victimization humans ... of a whole people .. just because they are a minority??

Are these Judges going to agree with Jimmy Manyi that Coloured folk are "overrepresented in their own land, need to move out and be replaced by other humans just because those humans now call themselves "Black?

http://proudlyzimbabwean.orgfree.com/book_page.html

Dear Minister Baleka Mbete,

Yesterday at Stellenbosch University University, being an institution of learning, you said "What kind of South Africa do we want. We do not want a South Africa where people feel that they are small because they are not white .... and people must not feel that their language is  inferior".

I/we agree with you. It was at the heart of the evil apartheid system that the worth of a human being was determined in terms of skin tone, race and ethnicity. 

So a human being stood to be denied a job and or being awarded a contract if that person was not "white". And yes this had the effect of humans being systemically UNEQUAL under the law, i.e, some being "big" under the law and others being "small" as you say.
That is what made apartheid evil.

But Madame, I am confused.  I am confused because, under the current ANC socio-economic reform model, I have to be discriminated against as regards the award of a job or contract unless I can claim and prove that I am black. Although my language is not inferior it seems that my "brown" skin tone is.
This applies even if I am a "born free", i.e, born after 1994 and had nothing to do with apartheid.
This makes me unequal under your law and therefore "small" as you say.

So am I to conclude that it is your stance that the South Africa we want is one in which humans that do not qualify for the label "black" need to be made and kept "small"?.  It is the only conclusion I/we are able to reach as sentient beings.

It seems to me that the problem is that your ANC government is running with Model "A" instead of Model "B" in this reality meme.

So I/we are posing the question you posed. "What type of South Africa do we want. Is it a South Africa where humans must feel and be made small just because they are not black?"This is astounding.  It is astounding that the most credible liberation movement in Africa has adopted apartheid culture in the name of social justice.
It is actually vomitus ... but you seem very comfortable with it.

It seems to me that instead of actually addressing the legacy of apartheid poverty we have hijacked the color black and made it a tradeable commodity in which so many of your ANC fat cats are now dealing.
Am I right?

Witchdoctors ... and my blessed life

I was born on 29 July 19.. in Bulawayo.
Like most babies in our community, I was born at home and delivered by a lady named Mrs. Gilgower, who was a skilled and very much practiced midwife. Nearly all our generation, born in Bulawayo,owe our safe arrival to this lady. The birth was unremarkable except that I presented with an unusually loud voice. This was categorized as "good" by Mrs. Gilgower.

Soon thereafter I was conveyed to Kezi for the important business of a"lungisa" ritual. In terms of Ndebele custom it is considered wise, if not necessary, that a new born is taken to a sangoma and subjected to a lungisa ceremony in terms of which the ancestral spirits are invoked to provide support, guidance and protection for the child.
The sangoma who performed the ritual on me was known as Fuyane. Apart from being a sub chief he was both a herbalist and a spiritualist. He was extremely well respected and people of all races traveled from far and wide to consult him.

There was an unusual aspect to my consultation. After the ceremony he presented my mother with 6 goats as a present for me. In later life, 10 - 20 years later, when I visited my relatives in their village, one of the first mini rituals that would occur was that goats would be pointed out as being my goats from Fuyane even though the original six were long, long gone. There would be more in later life about my association with Fuyane.

Some 19 years later Salisbury was visited by a renowned sangoma apparently all the way from South Africa. He set up a tented consultancy on the grounds of Rufaro Stadium. My Aunt Moira, mother of Helen Crowley,  pleads with me to take her for a consultation as no one else will..
When we arrive there is a very long queue of persons of all races, though mostly African. Aunt Moira eventually has her consultation and, on emerging, insists that I have one too.
I try to decline, protesting that it is a lot of money at £5 a consultation. I take home about £40 per month. She insists saying that she will pay for me. The receptionist gives me instructions, telling me to take off my shoes, enter the inner room, via a reed curtain, turn to my left and then sit down to face the sangoma.
I follow her instructions and enter the inner sanctum which is festooned with the bric-a-brac associated with persons plying their trade in the spirit,occult and herbalist world. There are gourds, masks, clumps of plant material, pots of herbs and other artifacts everywhere. I am not in a doctor's surgery. I am in a den of wizardry. As I turn to face the sangoma I notice that he has a white enamel dish, containing clear water, on his right hand side. On his left hand side he has a live tortoise.

The tortoise suddenly spins onto its back.
The sangoma jerks his head up to look at me and, with his left hand, pushes me firmly in the mid-drift, so as to indicate that I remain standing. With his other hand he takes the tortoise and places it next to the enamel dish facing me. It turns to face the dish and stops. He bends over and the dish and the tortoise are now concealed from my view by his back. There he remains perfectly still for what seems a long time with his left hand still in my mid-drift.

Suddenly he jumps up, face alight with expression, and exclaims - "Do not sit - no,no - do not sit…” and then switches to a dialect, which I do not understand, seemingly addressing someone in a tone of incantation. I have seen and heard this before when my Aunt Mamquebu, Uncle Willie's wife, invoked the ancestral spirits except with her I was able to understand some of it.

Then he fixes his eyes on me and says excitedly - "Today is a great dayfor me ... a very great day ... I am so happy ... I am so honoured to be in thepresence of so great a spirit ... the spirit of a man who was the greatest sangoma at that time ... the time of your birth - when he came to know you ... his spirit is with you ... he will be with you … all of your life" 
I have little doubt that something extraordinary is taking place as I feel the hairs on my skin pricking up. The man has surely picked up my link to Fuyane,the renowned sangoma who "fixed" me up at birth in the"lungisa" ritual. But how????

He goes onto to counsel me. It is "good news". I am to have a long life. It will be a "meaningful" life as I will be ever concerned with important issues, in public service, and required to do good for humans by the ancestral spirits. The forces of evil will be ever present but will never succeed provided I do not indulge in evil.
There is so much power in the voice he speaks in. The last time I have felt something similar was in 1958, at my Confirmation in the Catholic Church, when the great Bishop Adolph Schmidt said "Pax Tecum" and smacked me on the cheek symbolically.
Later i was to relaize that he was predciting that my life was to be about standing for good"without fear, favor or prejudice" .. the judicial oath of office. 

He embraces me tightly and, after reverting to the unknown dialect for a shortwhile, he bids me farewell again repeating that it is the happiest day of his life.

Thereceptionist is instructed to refund the fee of £5.

When I re-join Aunt Moira she wants to know how it went and why the refund? I am unable to say anything for a long time as I am in a state of deep astonishment. Then I say to her - "Do you know that Fuyane is with me?"
She looks at me intently and quizzically. Then she asks -"Who is Fuyane?" She knows nothing about Fuyane. The sangoma was from out of the country and could never have known Fuyane either.

I am astonished to the core as to what has occurred.

How right was this man to be proved ... about me being in the public eye and on every other point … … to this very day ..... my life has been a concern with what is important, especially as I have served as a Judge of the High Courts in Zimbabwe and South Africa. I am also the architect of road crash compensation systems in Botswana and Namibia. That journey has been incredible for a human being that started life in Sacred Heart Home, Bushtick; orphanage and home for children in need of care.
At that Home I was introduced to this Lady and her Child and taught the prayer that starts "Hail Mary full of grace ..." and ends"pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death Amen".  I have had a life long association with that Lady and that prayer has got me out of some incredible fixes.

Along that road I have encountered many who, as predicted, attempted to muster evil against and on me. They have all failed. Today I stand loved and/or acknowledged by countless humans across this planet. It may be undeserved. But that is the way it is ... and was foretold.

I feel that I have a life that has been fulfilled.
Symptomatic of what kind of life it was is also illustrated by this meme that shows icons of Africa whose hands I have shaken ... and I was appointed a national macro management manager by Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela. 

It is not over. This little voice of truth and justice is right now being funneled to a forum of immense proportions.
My life has been so good and will end well.
It is my wish that yours will be the same.

Goto -- theother.orgfree.com
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To get a book that will enthrall, intrigue, entertain and provoke very meaningfully go to --http://proudlyzimbabwean.orgfree.com/book_page.html


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Judge Chris Greenland speaks at Brown Velvet event in the UK on 01 August 2015.

Hello! And hello from all those at home and those of us in the diaspora who cannot be here tonight.

I want to first thank Ms Veronica Semenya, known to me from schooldays as Zelpher Joseph, for having ensured that I got here. I must also thank Ms Ava Rogers, Alistair Abrahams and Ms Margaret Soper as regards accommodation. Lastly, my appreciation is also extended to Ms Tracey Jane Bell,CEO of Brown Velvet.

In accordance with our culture it is incumbent on me to pay respects to the person whose domain we have entered. So on our behalf I am extending greetings to Her Majesty. Her Majesty is the one on the right. I am saying “Greetings,Your Majesty, we come in peace” We are here to make happy in your wonderful land.   

In my view it is also not out of place to thank Her Majesty for the fact that her people left these shores all those years ago and traveled to our region.
Yes it is terribly politically correct to postulate colonialism as a bunch of thugs arriving in armoured cars and robbing our local people of their houses, cars, money, cell phones, TVs … etc … etc ….

It was not at all like that. These people first travelled in mouldy,rat infected ships in a perilous three month sea journey to the Cape. If and when they made it to the Cape it was not as if they jumped on a Blue Train and made it in luxury to Bulawayo. No, they had to jump into ox wagons and trek for over 2,000 miles over mountains, across deserts and rivers, all the while having to contend with ferocious and formidable animals such as lion, buffalo, hyena. Then there were the creepy crawlies such as snakes and scorpions. Worst of all there was this one, the inyoka yabafazi. When this bites a man, he turns into a woman. Can you imagine anything more terrible?
Lastly there was the mozzie. . As small as it is this insect was keeping all humans in check with malaria. Most of the pioneer babies died as they had no resistance to African aliments and pathogens. All this terrible hardship only to arrive at a place called kuBuluwayo, the placeof killing.

So let us please extend a salute to Her Majesty’s people for their courage and resilience.

I am not that much in agreement with King Lobengula that the British were the chameleon and he was the fly. What happened is that when the pioneer column arrived they were met by the locals. The first thing that was noticed was that all the local girls were topless, their attributes well defined in the bright African sun seemingly defying gravity. This did not go down well with the ladies of the pioneer column who were even feeling all saggy after such a long trek and who had their attributes held up by whale bone bodices.
It got worse as the local men were covered in nothing more than amabetchu. Ibetchu is a made of animal skin and sort of covers the groin area of the African male. Its covering attributes are not good. To put it bluntly the situation was seen as there being just “too much information”, and this "information" was visible to all the pioneer woman.  There was bound to be trouble.  There was bound to be trouble.
Men do not take kindly to other men displaying their bits to their women. So big trouble was assured.
The Brits and the locals fought it out in what was then called the “pioneer wars”. I am inclined to say that it was more of being the “amabetchu wars.”.

We have to salute our local people for having put up such a valiant fight. My Gogo and her people, some of who had been at the famous defeat of the Alan Wilson Patrol at Shangani in December of 1893, gave the categorical assurance that it was the much lamented “isgwagwagwa” that gave the pioneers the advantage. Isgwagwagwa is the sound the Maxim machine gun made when it was being fired. They were adamant that had the pioneers not had the Maxim machine gun they would not have been beaten.

Thankfully the so called pioneer wars did come to an end and then something truly wonderful happened.  Trevor Noah says it is because Europeans really do love chocolate.  I am inclined to see it as having been a language issue. After all that trekking it is obvious that the pioneers were very, very tired and must have been told to lie down and rest … that is to lala pansi.
So lala pansi were the first local words that they learnt.

You don’t have to be very bright to work out what then happened

with both sides imploring the other to lala panzi. It was not long before the first brown baby was born … and they named the place Lalapanzi. Yes , you have heard it officially confirmed here on Brown Velvet that the first brown baby was born at Lalapanzi.

That is how our people came about and some of them are shown here including Gaston Thorneycroft (one above bottom left) who walked all the way from Malawi and was treed by a lion.We also see a pic of James and Grace Abrahams on their wedding day (bottom left). After taking that pic, they went straight back to work. In the middle we have some of our very own freedom fighters. My hero is Jenny Williams of WOZA (one above bottom right).
My God Father, Aaron Milner ,Minister of State in Kaunda's first Cabinet is top left.
These are but a small sample of very good humans from our community.

Today so many of us are in the diaspora, and this has led to the birth of the Brown Velvet phenomenon. No one should be confused as to who is responsible for the plight of all our people. Ian Smith and Robert Mugabe are equally complicit. Smith was a funny bugger. He fought in the last World War to stop the Germans imposing the very same type of oppressive foreign minority rule that he was trying to impose on the people of Zimbabwe. Wow?

 Robert Mugabe inherited a country that, as at April 1980, had the best resources, infrastructure and human capital in Africa and most of the world.  Today Zimbabwe languishes in the bottom four poorest countries. Bah!

Between these two very bad politics was the order of the day. It is now being said that we do not exist. It used to be said that we do not have a culture. Social scientists will tell you that it is language that is the main determinant of culture. Now who does not know that we have language in abundance?.

I once walked into an appliance store in Tottenham Court Road,London, and announced that “I want the best, I want it now and I want it for nothing”. The owner immediately said“you must be a goffal from Zimbabwe” and hugged me like a long lost brother. You see, just from my language, he was able to differentiate me from the millions he sees in his shop.

We do have our own language. If you do not know that you are dwarse. To be dwarse is to be stupid, which is duspid when we resort to our very own kabwards (backwards) language.  Others have their cars, wheels … etc… that they drive about showing off their girlfriends, babe … etc.
With us you pilot your gee in which you have your gooza … and you pilot it with your body set at a 37 degree angle to your path of travel and spine axis.
You do not just go or come. You hit out or cut a line.   You can even “skirmish”, i.e., run away.
Other groups  spoke of there being some women who were “loose”, i.e. of being of questionable morals and stood to be condemned. To us such women were kind and if they were very kind they were trolleys … and very much appreciated, not condemned.
If my friend wanted to know whether or not I was in a serious relationship, he would ask who was feeling sorry for me these days. I have to thank Ava and Edgar Rogers for introducing me to Pam,who has been feeling sorry for me for over 38 years,
So it is very, very clear that we have our very own culture that is proved beyond doubt by our very own language.
Of course we also had to learn one or more of the "indigenous" languages. IsiNdebele was very hard with all its clicks. I found Shona very easy as there were just three words to learn === "pasi", "pamberi" and "ne".
So I could babble away "pamberi ne Jongwe ... pamberi ne ZANU-PF ... pasi ne Ian Smith ... pasi ne maBreeteesh ... pamberi ne hondo ... pamberi  ...
That was it.  If you could do that, you were more or less fluent in Shona.
I thought I was until Ava Rogers took me one side, scolded me (she is a teacher you know)  and taught me "real Shona" starting with "Mankwanani shamwari, waswera here. Ndinoda kutaura newe ..... ?"So off I went to Msika were I usually got my stash ... NOT of weed, but of vusa nkunzi.
I met some locals there and was proud to greet them, using my newly acquired Shona skills.
They looked at me, seemingly stunned, having first exclaimed "eh".  Then, frothing at the mouth they chanted "pasi ne we ... pasi ne ma busumani ... pasi ne makarhaadi ... pamberi ne hondo .. pamberi ne hondo ..... ". I was in my gee before you could blink and skirmished out of there.

Brown Velvet Awards are always going to be a kind of a compromise because of a time span that involves many generations of our people.  I decided that I should choose someone who is really representative of us on all counts.

I first thought of Mrs Edwards who rose from nothing to become a business tycoon and leader of a such a great family. I have to confess bias because she once summoned me and confronted me in her bedroom of all places. She wanted to now why I was so "stupid" as not to be interested in her grand daughters Priscilla, Pearl and Ingrid D'Almeida. She was seated on her bed and I was wondering if it was true that the Rutendo Bus Company "millions"  were kept in the mattress as was the rumour. I had to ask God to forgive me as, just for a moment, I did entertain evil thoughts about how I could get all that money. Those bright blue eyes burning right thorough me as she lambasted me made my evil thoughts seem rather foolish.
I explained to her that, as the Chairman of Arcadia Basketball Club I could not be courting Pearl,as she was one of our star players, and such advances would be seen as contemptible sexual harassment. I also explained that Michael and Lorraine Marshall had "match-maked" Ingrid and I, treating us to a film called "The Sting". However their effort was in vain as Ingrid thought I was "too dead".
However as regards Priscilla things had looked very hopeful when she immediately said that she was very interested in me. She went on to say that she wanted to see me naked. Wow!   I queried this, asking if we should not at least go on a couple of dates first?.
Priscilla said "No" this was not necessary as she was an artist.  I asked if this was the way Leonardi da Vinci and Co carried on ... getting naked and hoping into bed before getting to know the other person? She became somewhat irritated and explained that, as she was an artist, she wanted to paint a picture of me ... in the nude.
Me: Prisccy. That. Is. Not. Going. To. Happen. !!!!!!!
Priscilla: Why???   Do you have issues with your body?
Me: Of course I have issues with my body.  That is why I wear clothes.
And that was that.  I mean can you imagine it ... Brown Velvet Awards ..... Category Art ... and the winner is Priscilla D'Almeida with her nude portrait of Vavie Greenland .... Judge of the High Courts of Zimbabwe and South Africa.??
Still I feel deeply honoured that this grand Lady Mrs Edwards, imagined that I was good enough to be a member of her very own.

My choice as the human being that best represents everything about who and what we are is Ms Regina Monteiro.
You can only imagine what bad cards this lady was dealt. We can have only a vague idea of the humiliation, marginalization and gratuitous victimization she was subjected to.
Regina Monteiro not only endured, she overcame and conquered to rise up to become a woman of substance, providing more than enough for herself and her children, always in communication with her God.
This lady carried herself with a poise and balance that got your attention. When she spoke you could not help but listen. When she danced, not a man would have his gaze elsewhere.
Aunty Regina, as she became known was a rock of sense and fountain of wisdom for all, especially for daughters who needed "real advice' about life that mothers are so tongue tied about.
I had the good fortune to have had some in dept conversations with her. We know that in this region, thanks to the likes of Smith, Mugabe, their ilk and their supporters, issues of racism, subjugation, inequality, grievance ... etc played and played in a dreary loop of misery.
Not so with Regina Monteiro.   Her stance was that you can only be made to feel inferior with consent ... your consent.
Since nobody had ever been able to make her call them "baas" she was never inferior to another human being.

It struck me so forcefully that this simple truth attaches to our community in all its immense implications.
No one was ever able to make us call them "baas".

So please join me in saluting this great human being, Regina Monteiro.

We have a culture of tolerance, acceptance and equality. It is also why we are not homophobic. We understand that what others do with their private parts is not any of our damn business.

In concluding I am asking you to think kindly of me and tell your children and childrens' children that I had this to say to you and them

Thank you

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A Personal Warning To All South Africans

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Open Letter to ANC Secretary General Gwede Mantashe

Dear Comrade Gwede,

Well done on giving our courts a swift kick in the nuts. That’ll teach them to have what you call a negative attitude towards the government. It’s almost as if they believe the myth that they are an independent branch. They need to focus more on ‘branch’ and less on ‘independent’. And what do we do when the branch of a tree turns rotten? Yes, we send our least favourite child up the tree with a chainsaw to cut it off. Or, even better, burn the tree down and plant a new one. A tree approved by the ministry of forestry.

As you so rightly pointed out, “There is a drive in sections of the judiciary to create chaos for governance.” At first I was skeptical. After all, judges are overweight, unfit and shortsighted. Quite unsuited to leading baying mobs to the barricades. However, this is probably nothing more than a cunning disguise. Beneath those black robes they are all Batman. The moment they receive the Bat-Signal – transmitted from DA headquarters – they will implement their dastardly plan and, amid the chaos, overthrow the ANC regime.

Police Minister Nathi Nhleko is also aware of what’s really going down. When he spoke to police investigators a few weeks ago, he said, “some elements of the judiciary meet with characters to produce certain judgments.” He’s absolutely right. That’s what a Full Bench does. Well, they call it a Full Bench in public but it’s really called the Star Chamber and they have funny handshakes and virgin sacrifices when they meet in underground caves at midnight on every full moon.

The problem seems, as you say, to be limited to the North Gauteng and Western Cape high courts. But for how long? Attack is the best form of defence, comrade. I’m sure you learnt that when you read Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book as a child. Launch a pre-emptive strike. Do it now, before this incendiary talk of “judicial independence” infects other courts in the country.

Obviouslythe Western Cape High Court would turn maverick. It’s embedded in a province controlled by rebel forces. But North Gauteng? That’s ANC country, that is. Even more inexplicable is that two of the three judges who ordered the arrest of the much-loved humanitarian pacifist Omar al-Bashir are not members of the Caucasian race. Why are these brothers not on your payroll?

There is an outside chance, I suppose, that the robed renegades are simply doing what they are paid to do. But even that would be an aberration in the brave new world you are trying to build. Let us, for a moment, hypothesise that these judges are not, as unlikely as it sounds, attempting to bring the government to its knees and are merely applying the law. If that is the case, then it is the law that is at fault.

Guy Fawke’s Day is just over four months away. This gives you enough time to collect the statute books and burn them in a magnificent bonfire on the lawns of the Union Buildings. Invite the peasants. Let them toast marshmallows or Mozambicans. It will be a fresh start and people will laugh and clap and dance.

If that sounds too much like hard work, all you need do is rig the next election so your party wins a four-thirds majority and then change the constitution to exempt all card-carrying members of the ANC from all laws. Or scrap the constitution altogether. I mean, really, what are laws when you think about it? They are just things invented by Romans and Dutchmen to discourage civilisation from descending into savagery. Personally, I am all for a bit of savagery. There are too many people standing politely in queues, driving at the speed limit and apologising for pushing their trolley into your ankles. When I go to the bank, I want to be able to use a machete to get to the front of the queue. Hell, why even bother with queues? If you can afford plastic explosives, blow up the bank and go straight to the vaults. Why even bother with money? Just take what you want. Impunity rocks, man! If Dostoyevsky lived in your beautiful dystopian new, new South Africa, he would rewrite Crime and Punishment and take out all the punishment and just call it Crime and it would be even better than the original.

Like millions of other South Africans who aren’t members of the counterrevolutionary opposition, I embrace your vision. Like you, I, too, watched the brilliant socio-political documentary, Mad Max: Fury Road. Did we see Imperator Furiosa laying charges of assault against Immortan Joe? Or Joe’s hot wives taking him to the maintenance court? Of course not. They had complete freedom to do as they wished. It was almost as if they were members of the ANC’s national executive committee.

By the time you have silenced the courts, those who have fuel, water and guns will be the law. I have petrol at the moment, but I swapped my gun for a bag of weed. Yes, I know. I should have just shot the dealer and taken the weed. And I don’t have much water. The municipality has put me on some kind of trickle system and I am forced to bath in vodka and drink gin to stay alive. No, I’m not complaining. Really. I’m not. I swear. Please don’t send the black helicopters.

Let’s keep things tribal. Your leader and mine, Comrade Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma the First, by the Grace of God

President of the Republic of South Africa, Head of the Household, Defender of the Faith, Pastor of the Flock, Defeater of the Mbeki, Unifier of the Nation, Msholozi of Msholozis, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, Conqueror of the Apartheid Regime and Owner of Property in Nkandla … where was I?

Oh, that’s right. As you know, he has ordered the provinces to divert R100m away from the grasping hands of the ungrateful proletariat and give it to junior traditional leaders. If you move quickly, there should still be enough left over to build a dozen or so rudimentary kraals where pro-law agitators can be fined. Or executed. Depending on the weather.

You do know, don’t you, that it is not just the courts that are jeopardising our chances of achieving full dictatorship. There are also people walking openly in the streets, as we speak, who have negative attitudes towards the government. They need to be rounded up and sent to re-education camps like the ones they had in Vietnam and still have in China and North Korea – countries you surely admire for their robust approach towards anyone foolish enough to disrespect those accorded the divine right to rule.

As for the International Criminal Court, well, you probably can’t shut them down. But you are quite right when you say they are dangerous. They have the power to put people in jail, for god’s sake. You don’t get more dangerous than that. And, yes, we should withdraw from it. While we’re at it, let us withdraw from any organisation that thinks it can tell us what to do. It’s time to take a stand. New visa regulations are stopping anyone from coming in and the falling rand is stopping anyone from leaving. This is good. We’re on the right track. Show the world, comrade, that the ANC can fuck up this country far more than the National Party ever could. That will teach them. Or us. Whatever.

By Ben Trovato
June 28, 2015

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